Day 2

Talk dirty nerdy to me.

I admired (read openly checked out) a fellow gym goer who was endearingly nerdy ... actually he was sort of riding the nerd / jock fence. (Does it get any better than that?) Anyway it just instigated the realization that being single for 90 days won't make me not notice the world around me. I sort of wish I could just stop time for 90 days and work through this without all the distractions of everyday life.

I went to church & lunch with a group of friends today, my most recent ex among them. It was harder than I expected. He said that it's still sort of hard for him too. I don't know why I expected him to be totally over it immediately ... he told me when we were breaking up that he doesn't think I value myself enough and my thinking he'd be over me immediately makes me realize maybe he was right. Even after him telling me today that this is still hard for him I still expect him to forget about me at any moment and I am still afraid I'll lose his friendship. But that brings me to one of the reasons I'm doing this. I emailed him to tell him that it was still hard for me too but that I was glad we were still hanging out and I haven't heard back from him. I may not end up hearing back from him. What I'm basically saying is I care about that, but I don't want to care. One of the things I hated about dating was my mood being partially dependent on whether I'd heard from my boyfriend that day. I don't want to paint myself as this needy, co-dependent tool because that is not who I am, but I would like my moods to be less altered by circumstance. I struggle with expectations of people. I vacillate between wanting to free myself from having any expectations of people and realizing that if you're going to have any type of relationship with someone (even just a co-worker relationship or an acquaintance) some level of expectation almost seems required. As always seems to be the case the answer is probably in the middle somewhere. I need to find a happy medium when it comes to my expectations of others.