Day 1 *

Well, it's Day 1 and I feel myself wishing I had some sort of guide to walk me through this (sure to be) treacherous process. I feel like Ron Burgundy in Anchorman - "I immediately regret this decision!" Before Day 1 began I felt, if not excited, at least resigned to the idea. I felt optimistic and eager to see the results of my "research". Now that Day 1 is here I admit I feel scared. While I can still see the logic inherent in the idea I am also afraid that I'm wasting time. I discussed this with a good friend recently - the dangers of going for it verses the dangers of doing nothing. The clock is ticking and in some ways it seems foolish to choose the latter.

 I'm sure it doesn't help that on the night of "Day 0" I went swing dancing with a friend who, that very night, per my request, turned in his recently acquired boyfriend card in exchange for a friend one. I miss him and I am afraid he won't stay my friend because that is harder than it sounds. Starting this project is causing me to reflect on my past relationships, which is always bittersweet. It reminds me of the quote “For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.” (John Greenleaf Whittier) But it wasn't fair to him for me to stay in the relationship when I know I'm not ready and have things I need to work through before I can be a valuable part of one.

 Tonight I am meeting some great friends for dinner - they happen to be two couples. Hello, 5th wheel! I actually don't anticipate being made to feel that way, they are great friends and I'm sure I'll have a good time, but these are the kinds of things that make being single a challenge. When you're in social situations that throw your singleness into sharp contrast against that of those around you. 

 Towards the beginning of today's ramblings I mentioned that I wished I had a guide to help me through all of this, and then I realized that I do! When I was thinking of a guide initially I admit I was thinking of someone like Yoda (Help you, I will). While that would be unbelievably cool the reality is even better. I have two guides:

 1. God - "The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." - Isaiah 58:11
2. Myself - "We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be" - Jane Austin (Part of the point of this project is to learn to trust myself)

 So with that in mind, I am feeling much more optimistic, but still a little scared.

 * Technically still Day 0 since I started after midnight, but who's counting? It's the first time I woke up for the day knowing the next 90 days were destined for singleness.