Day 0 (zero)

As is probably true for most of us, I find myself in a very different place than I would have guessed at this point in my life. I'm nearly 30 years old and I have an incredibly full existence. I work full time, I've gone back to school and I have an extraordinary family & amazing friends. What's missing from this picture? If you guessed a man you (sort of) guessed right. I separated from my ex-husband & got divorced over a year ago. Since then I've discovered that navigating the dating World requires no small amount of valor. There have been ups and downs ranging from the painstakingly practical to the bizarre. While sometimes amusing and often very fun, it can also be heartbreaking and certainly exhausting. At some point I realized I needed a break from it all. A do-over. A chance to clear my head and my heart and check this emotional baggage for good. The goal is essentially to get the simple truth that I am "whole" as a single person, and that I don't need another person to make me whole, to complete the seemingly short (but actually cavernous) trip from my head to my heart.

I am not a man-hater. I do eventually want to end up a wife and mother. But before then I'd like to become comfortable with myself as a single person. I believe a relationship between two whole people is healthier than a relationship between two halves.

My faith is going to play a huge part in this. Without God I don't know how or if I would have made it through my divorce. However I would be lying if I said my faith hasn't been tested by all of this. We all have our struggles, but until this point mine has never been trusting God. It's a new experience for me to struggle with leaving something in his hands, and I hope I can learn to let (even) this go. I don't pretend to be a perfect Christian (there is no such thing) and I'm sure my point of view will not always be consistent with my faith. This doesn't make me a hypocrite, it makes me a human. I will be honest about the fact while, for me, there are certain "non-negotiables", I am still learning what I believe and realizing that experiences are going to shape those beliefs.

Tomorrow I will begin my 90 day detox. 90 days of self-reflection, healing & (I'm sure) a healthy dose of sardonic realism. Here it goes ...