Cut. Take Two. Action.
What was that all about? I am ashamed to admit that within days of starting my 90 days of singledom I reverted back to datingdom. I missed my ex and was talking to my sister about it and she said that she thought I was scared and had maybe talked myself out of a good thing. I apologized to my ex for perhaps overreacting and he asked if that meant we could try again. I told him it meant I was confused, but in the end we decided to give it another try. It lasted less than a week and maybe that's my punishment for giving up on my 90 days so quickly. In a way I don't feel bad for giving it another try. It helped me to know for sure that it wasn't going to work so I won't always wonder. I mentioned earlier that it's scary not knowing whether this 90 days is a good idea or just a waste of time and it helped me to see that it is a good idea - I need some time. I admit it has me wondering if 90 days is too much. Maybe I should try 30 days or 60 days and go from there. But I do need some time.
eHarmony sent me a bulk email invitation the morning after the relationship crashed & burned: cruel ironic joke or fortuitous nudge? Couldn’t the cupids have waited more than six hours to send me an invitation to “connect deeply with compatible matches”?
So, today "Take 2" begins. I thought about giving up the blog but then thought it would be better to pick myself up, dust myself off & carry on. One of my favorite things in life are second chances. (Lamentations 3:22-23: "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.")
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Day 2
Talk dirty nerdy to me.
I admired (read openly checked out) a fellow gym goer who was endearingly nerdy ... actually he was sort of riding the nerd / jock fence. (Does it get any better than that?) Anyway it just instigated the realization that being single for 90 days won't make me not notice the world around me. I sort of wish I could just stop time for 90 days and work through this without all the distractions of everyday life.
I went to church & lunch with a group of friends today, my most recent ex among them. It was harder than I expected. He said that it's still sort of hard for him too. I don't know why I expected him to be totally over it immediately ... he told me when we were breaking up that he doesn't think I value myself enough and my thinking he'd be over me immediately makes me realize maybe he was right. Even after him telling me today that this is still hard for him I still expect him to forget about me at any moment and I am still afraid I'll lose his friendship. But that brings me to one of the reasons I'm doing this. I emailed him to tell him that it was still hard for me too but that I was glad we were still hanging out and I haven't heard back from him. I may not end up hearing back from him. What I'm basically saying is I care about that, but I don't want to care. One of the things I hated about dating was my mood being partially dependent on whether I'd heard from my boyfriend that day. I don't want to paint myself as this needy, co-dependent tool because that is not who I am, but I would like my moods to be less altered by circumstance. I struggle with expectations of people. I vacillate between wanting to free myself from having any expectations of people and realizing that if you're going to have any type of relationship with someone (even just a co-worker relationship or an acquaintance) some level of expectation almost seems required. As always seems to be the case the answer is probably in the middle somewhere. I need to find a happy medium when it comes to my expectations of others.
I admired (read openly checked out) a fellow gym goer who was endearingly nerdy ... actually he was sort of riding the nerd / jock fence. (Does it get any better than that?) Anyway it just instigated the realization that being single for 90 days won't make me not notice the world around me. I sort of wish I could just stop time for 90 days and work through this without all the distractions of everyday life.
I went to church & lunch with a group of friends today, my most recent ex among them. It was harder than I expected. He said that it's still sort of hard for him too. I don't know why I expected him to be totally over it immediately ... he told me when we were breaking up that he doesn't think I value myself enough and my thinking he'd be over me immediately makes me realize maybe he was right. Even after him telling me today that this is still hard for him I still expect him to forget about me at any moment and I am still afraid I'll lose his friendship. But that brings me to one of the reasons I'm doing this. I emailed him to tell him that it was still hard for me too but that I was glad we were still hanging out and I haven't heard back from him. I may not end up hearing back from him. What I'm basically saying is I care about that, but I don't want to care. One of the things I hated about dating was my mood being partially dependent on whether I'd heard from my boyfriend that day. I don't want to paint myself as this needy, co-dependent tool because that is not who I am, but I would like my moods to be less altered by circumstance. I struggle with expectations of people. I vacillate between wanting to free myself from having any expectations of people and realizing that if you're going to have any type of relationship with someone (even just a co-worker relationship or an acquaintance) some level of expectation almost seems required. As always seems to be the case the answer is probably in the middle somewhere. I need to find a happy medium when it comes to my expectations of others.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Day 1 *
Well, it's Day 1 and I feel myself wishing I had some sort of guide to walk me through this (sure to be) treacherous process. I feel like Ron Burgundy in Anchorman - "I immediately regret this decision!" Before Day 1 began I felt, if not excited, at least resigned to the idea. I felt optimistic and eager to see the results of my "research". Now that Day 1 is here I admit I feel scared. While I can still see the logic inherent in the idea I am also afraid that I'm wasting time. I discussed this with a good friend recently - the dangers of going for it verses the dangers of doing nothing. The clock is ticking and in some ways it seems foolish to choose the latter.
I'm sure it doesn't help that on the night of "Day 0" I went swing dancing with a friend who, that very night, per my request, turned in his recently acquired boyfriend card in exchange for a friend one. I miss him and I am afraid he won't stay my friend because that is harder than it sounds. Starting this project is causing me to reflect on my past relationships, which is always bittersweet. It reminds me of the quote “For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.” (John Greenleaf Whittier) But it wasn't fair to him for me to stay in the relationship when I know I'm not ready and have things I need to work through before I can be a valuable part of one.
Tonight I am meeting some great friends for dinner - they happen to be two couples. Hello, 5th wheel! I actually don't anticipate being made to feel that way, they are great friends and I'm sure I'll have a good time, but these are the kinds of things that make being single a challenge. When you're in social situations that throw your singleness into sharp contrast against that of those around you.
Towards the beginning of today's ramblings I mentioned that I wished I had a guide to help me through all of this, and then I realized that I do! When I was thinking of a guide initially I admit I was thinking of someone like Yoda (Help you, I will). While that would be unbelievably cool the reality is even better. I have two guides:
1. God - "The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." - Isaiah 58:11
2. Myself - "We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be" - Jane Austin (Part of the point of this project is to learn to trust myself)
So with that in mind, I am feeling much more optimistic, but still a little scared.
* Technically still Day 0 since I started after midnight, but who's counting? It's the first time I woke up for the day knowing the next 90 days were destined for singleness.
I'm sure it doesn't help that on the night of "Day 0" I went swing dancing with a friend who, that very night, per my request, turned in his recently acquired boyfriend card in exchange for a friend one. I miss him and I am afraid he won't stay my friend because that is harder than it sounds. Starting this project is causing me to reflect on my past relationships, which is always bittersweet. It reminds me of the quote “For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.” (John Greenleaf Whittier) But it wasn't fair to him for me to stay in the relationship when I know I'm not ready and have things I need to work through before I can be a valuable part of one.
Tonight I am meeting some great friends for dinner - they happen to be two couples. Hello, 5th wheel! I actually don't anticipate being made to feel that way, they are great friends and I'm sure I'll have a good time, but these are the kinds of things that make being single a challenge. When you're in social situations that throw your singleness into sharp contrast against that of those around you.
Towards the beginning of today's ramblings I mentioned that I wished I had a guide to help me through all of this, and then I realized that I do! When I was thinking of a guide initially I admit I was thinking of someone like Yoda (Help you, I will). While that would be unbelievably cool the reality is even better. I have two guides:
1. God - "The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." - Isaiah 58:11
2. Myself - "We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be" - Jane Austin (Part of the point of this project is to learn to trust myself)
So with that in mind, I am feeling much more optimistic, but still a little scared.
* Technically still Day 0 since I started after midnight, but who's counting? It's the first time I woke up for the day knowing the next 90 days were destined for singleness.
Day 0 (zero)
As is probably true for most of us, I find myself in a very different place than I would have guessed at this point in my life. I'm nearly 30 years old and I have an incredibly full existence. I work full time, I've gone back to school and I have an extraordinary family & amazing friends. What's missing from this picture? If you guessed a man you (sort of) guessed right. I separated from my ex-husband & got divorced over a year ago. Since then I've discovered that navigating the dating World requires no small amount of valor. There have been ups and downs ranging from the painstakingly practical to the bizarre. While sometimes amusing and often very fun, it can also be heartbreaking and certainly exhausting. At some point I realized I needed a break from it all. A do-over. A chance to clear my head and my heart and check this emotional baggage for good. The goal is essentially to get the simple truth that I am "whole" as a single person, and that I don't need another person to make me whole, to complete the seemingly short (but actually cavernous) trip from my head to my heart.
I am not a man-hater. I do eventually want to end up a wife and mother. But before then I'd like to become comfortable with myself as a single person. I believe a relationship between two whole people is healthier than a relationship between two halves.
My faith is going to play a huge part in this. Without God I don't know how or if I would have made it through my divorce. However I would be lying if I said my faith hasn't been tested by all of this. We all have our struggles, but until this point mine has never been trusting God. It's a new experience for me to struggle with leaving something in his hands, and I hope I can learn to let (even) this go. I don't pretend to be a perfect Christian (there is no such thing) and I'm sure my point of view will not always be consistent with my faith. This doesn't make me a hypocrite, it makes me a human. I will be honest about the fact while, for me, there are certain "non-negotiables", I am still learning what I believe and realizing that experiences are going to shape those beliefs.
Tomorrow I will begin my 90 day detox. 90 days of self-reflection, healing & (I'm sure) a healthy dose of sardonic realism. Here it goes ...
I am not a man-hater. I do eventually want to end up a wife and mother. But before then I'd like to become comfortable with myself as a single person. I believe a relationship between two whole people is healthier than a relationship between two halves.
My faith is going to play a huge part in this. Without God I don't know how or if I would have made it through my divorce. However I would be lying if I said my faith hasn't been tested by all of this. We all have our struggles, but until this point mine has never been trusting God. It's a new experience for me to struggle with leaving something in his hands, and I hope I can learn to let (even) this go. I don't pretend to be a perfect Christian (there is no such thing) and I'm sure my point of view will not always be consistent with my faith. This doesn't make me a hypocrite, it makes me a human. I will be honest about the fact while, for me, there are certain "non-negotiables", I am still learning what I believe and realizing that experiences are going to shape those beliefs.
Tomorrow I will begin my 90 day detox. 90 days of self-reflection, healing & (I'm sure) a healthy dose of sardonic realism. Here it goes ...
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